I thought that sadness was something linear, like the passage of time. That it would decrease as the weeks went by and I would feel better each day.
I thought sadness looked something like this:
But the more I got to know sadness, the more it looked like this:
A zigzaggy shape, with spikes that go up and down.
Sometimes the sadness builds up to extreme anger, then dies down again. Like a broken heartbeat.
It’s strange to think that time heals everything when time and sadness don’t move in the same direction.
Time moves forward. Sadness moves up and down.
Time wants me to get up, go to work, eat lunch, catch the bus.
Sadness wants me to stop.
Time says it won’t wait for me.
Sadness wants me to go to his house, knock on his door and beg for an apology.
Time says I don’t have time for that.
Sadness wants to go back in time.
Time knows it can’t go back.
Sadness argues that he still cares.
Time proves that he doesn’t.
Sadness lives in fantasy.
Time lives in reality.
Time forces me to do the things I don’t want to do.
Perhaps that’s why they say time heals everything.
It’s a force against my bad judgment. It’s the pull of linear events that interrupts this rumination.
It’s the moon to my tide.
Before today, it terrified me to find that there was no straight path out of a broken heart. The way out was fraught with thorns and fallen branches. One step forward opened fresh wounds. One misstep took me to a dark place. In the midst of all the pain, the path left behind, became deceitfully safer than the path forward.
As I was contemplating which path to take, time showed up and whispered to me:
Hope is in the future, pain is in the past.
So fixing on the road ahead, I took one step forward and saw a faint light.
It is not much, but it is where I am, in my journey out of heartbreak.