Tag: Decisions

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The one who makes all the wrong decisions

Do you ever make decisions that are insane/ incomprehensible/ illogical, that nobody in their right mind would do?

I feel like that is me. Or, at least, I am on the verge of doing that. And I’m so torn between logic and insanity that I’d be willing to base my decision on a simple coin toss.

The thing is, I am always torn between these two opposing forces. On one hand, I think how awesome it would be if I took a leap of faith into the unknown, where there is no guarantee that things will ever work out. And then I snap back to reality, scaring myself with all the what ifs.

People seem to romanticise the idea of taking leaps of faith and letting whatever comes your way hit you.

I do too. And it scares me.

So why do I think like that when I’m not really that brave of a person? Who am I to think that I will be able to soldier on through whatever comes my way?

Because there is something that I am utterly afraid of. Something that happened to me when I was nineteen years old that has stayed with me and messed up my process of thinking.

I could be safe and comfortable going about my own day. But then I think back to my nineteen year old self and the way I didn’t act when I should’ve or could’ve. My life would’ve changed in that instant for the better if I acted on that whim.

But I didn’t. And that has stayed with me for years, crawling underneath the roots of all my decisions.

No regrets. No regrets. It’s why I push too hard even if things look bleak.

No regrets.

I would rather have tried too hard than not at all. Because then I would know. I hate having to rewind back in time to find a piece of knowledge that has slipped through the cracks because of an indecision. It’s tedious. That’s why there’s no such thing as time travel.

Regret has made this shy, wallflower of a girl need to try something different. Regret has hurt my mind, stretched it, and bent it in ways that I would have never imagined.

Regret has disrupted my safe thinking and conjured up wild and crazy alternatives, opening my mind up to endless possibilities.

Fearing regret has probably made me a little insane. It’s probably led me off track at times. But I hope it will eventually lead me back to the right decision.

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A big decision

Last year, I wrote in my diary that I was going to quit my day job on the 25th March. Today is the 25th March. It’s also my birthday.

The funny thing is, when I wrote that little note in my diary, I didn’t know how I was going to be able to quit my job. I’d just bought a house, and taken out a huge mortgage, so I needed the money to pay for the bills.

I didn’t really think my little note was a remotely sensible or possible idea.

All I knew was that I wanted time. Enough time to work on writing a novel.

It wasn’t until the beginning of this year, when I applied for a freelance job, and got it, that I realised that this was my opportunity to buy myself some time.

If I quit my day job now, I will have time, say roughly a year to work on my novel. But if I quit my job a year from now, the freelance job might run out of projects for me to do and I might not get the opportunity of time to finish what I intended to finish.

Writing out my thought process has helped me validate my decision. I’ve actually taken a day off work today, so I won’t be able to quit today. But I could draft a resignation letter and hand it in this week. The thought of doing that makes me so nervous.

By no means am I quitting because I want to relax on the beach or do nothing. That’s a distinction I’ve been trying to be clear with myself about.

It’s a scary decision. I’ve been mulling over it for a while now. So many bad things could happen. The freelance job could run out of projects to do right now. I would’ve just quit a decent job. But on the other hand, good things could happen. So many good things if I promise to put in the time and effort I need to get things done.

I did ask for time. And I have an opportunity. Let’s see what I decide to do this week.

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Be the queen of your career

A short, voluptuous Chinese woman bends over at the kitchen sink, slurping instant noodles. She stands out from the group of giggly, 20-somethings chatting away in the corner. They work in the same startup company, but perhaps it’s their age difference, they don’t include her in their conversation.

It’s a shame, because she’s just told me something really exciting about herself. Something that’s sparked my interest because it’s one of the most inspiring things I’ve heard in a long time. (more…)