Last night, I spoke to my friend about our friendship and he agreed that we can be friends again. It has been such a confusing period of time in my life, and I’m not sure if I can go back to trusting him completely like I used to.
I’ve always been a keen observer of my feelings especially when it comes to the aftermath of falling out with friends or with romantic interests.
I’ve always done the right thing. Kept myself at a distance from the source of hurt, even cutting off contact with people who have hurt me completely. But I’ve realised that in doing so, I feel bitter and cynical about relationships. It doesn’t make me feel happy. The pain is always there, just a memory away for the next person to come along and dredge up those thoughts. I’ve even started feeling scared of meeting new people in case they trigger these old hurts.
This is the first time I’ve decided not to cut off contact with someone who has betrayed my trust. It’s the first time I’ve decided to work through it. To make the pain fade away rather than cover it up and not talk about it. I even phoned my parents and talked to them about how I feel. I never willingly do that. I don’t even talk about these things to my group of friends! And now I’m writing about it on my blog!
I just don’t want to hide anymore. I really do hope that I can shine a light on my fears. They’ve really held me back from being fully productive, and living life to the full. They make me feel as though I don’t deserve whatever is good and happy. But I have too much I want to do. I can’t let this fear that’s coming from one aspect of my life affect the rest of what I do.
I don’t want to put all my happiness in a friendship, but I believe that friends form a big part of our happiness.
I’m really only just starting to know what happiness means to me. It’s different to what I once thought it was. Probably a result of me turning 27 in the next 2 days!
See you on the other side of fear!