Last week was the first time I had told the man who broke my heart how his actions had affected me in silent ways.
Everyday, I would get up fearing the world and the perfectly beautiful strangers around me. Everyone seemed to be loved by somebody, and I hated seeing it for fear that it would cast a shadow over my own unlovable self.
Until the past week, I had kept silent, letting my emotions fester in their own pit of agony, with the occasional outbursts of anger. At work, I made multiple mistakes, was distracted and always zoning out. I carried myself around with as little energy as I possibly could, retiring to bed early and waking up late.
Truthfully, I was ashamed of being sad over something that wasn’t real. I questioned why I was angry, even told myself that I shouldn’t feel this way. I never told my friends or family how deeply it cut. Only downplayed my sadness.
Whenever I spoke to him, it was always in a friendly manner, as if I had to appease him for some wrongdoing I had inflicted.
Sometimes, my anger would come out, for small, petty things, like when he cut our meeting short, or if he seemed bored or inattentive.
This gave him the impression that I was always a temperamental person and only confirmed his decision about me.
I was afraid that confronting him would only make things worse, that I would lose him forever. So I always apologised for my short outbursts.
In truth, I was deeply hurt. Just kept pretending. Not knowing where or who to turn to.
But last week, the fear of losing myself to anger and sadness became far greater than the fear of losing him.
So I spoke out.
It took me many tries, a few angry starts, but I got to the truth in the end.
I told him that I had suffered mentally in the past few months by pretending that I was ok. I told him that time doesn’t heal wounds, only covers them. I told him all the above I have just mentioned here.
And then an unexpected thing happened.
By giving a voice to the shame I had felt for being in love, my anger and sadness melted away. Like watered-down glue, they peeled away from me and stopped lingering in the open wounds of my heart.
I started emerging from the brain fog I had been feeling for the last few months. I started caring about my work, my dreams, my goals, my life.
I am still tinged with sadness, but it is not the anxious kind that needs to be tended to straight away. It is more a calming sadness. A sadness that knows it needs not do anything. A sadness that knows that in time, it will heal. But this kind of healthy sadness only comes after speaking truthfully.
I have realised that speaking from the heart is necessary and always takes time. It pays off if the person on the other end is willing to sit there and listen to you patiently, without rushing you in any way.
But he is not that kind of person.
Even though I would still like to talk things through, I am not holding my breath.
I am excited for the future, humbled, and most importantly still not cynical of love.