Reflections

Everytime I think about him, I’m going to use the energy to finish writing my novel. I’m going to allow myself to think about him for a short while, but then afterwards I’m going to go on the computer and start writing.

That’s going to be my ritual for the next 6 months or however long it takes to get over him.

I heard that building your own self esteem and doing something meaningful to you is the only way to get over someone, as opposed to distracting yourself with random things.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

He was never really good at keeping promises anyway. I always had to remind him. So now I’m going to make up for that. I’m going to commit to the promises I’ve made to myself.

Things I’ll never grow out of

On my 14th birthday, I desperately wanted to buy Sinbad and the Seven Seas on DVD. It was a children’s movie that I had seen on TV, and everything about it catered to my longing for adventure. So I dragged my dad to the store and showed him the DVD. He frowned, “aren’t you a little too old for that?”

That Autumn, I was sad, because there were many things I would have to grow out of:

  • Reading children’s books
  • Watching Disney movies
  • Practising my badly drawn illustrations on the bedroom floor
  • Believing that anything can happen!

Even my silly personality, I would have to grow out of.

I worried about my future. Would people stop taking me seriously because I enjoyed those childlike things?

That Summer, I shed a couple of old leaves. I replaced all my old hobbies with serious ones. I thought it would be OK and sensible to lie low on land than to fly high above the clouds.

And one summer turned into four summers.

The funny thing is, I was still the same old tree.

I still longed for those old roots. They gave me an experience akin to being on top of the world, flying! I had magic right here, in me. And that was a special feeling to have.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t change the way I spoke. I couldn’t change the way I saw things, often with rose~tinted glasses. I couldn’t change the way I always looked for hope even though there was none. Subtle things like that, made up who I was.

I didn’t think these small things were important at the time. Regrettably, I shed the wrong things.

Today, I know that these are the things I shouldn’t have grown out of, but grown into.

I am trying not to punish myself for saying the wrong things, or wondering about the what ifs. Because if I was true to myself, how can it be wrong?

Our habits are like stars in the night sky. We don’t see the big picture until we observe the patterns and see a constellation in the sky.

A big decision

Last year, I wrote in my diary that I was going to quit my day job on the 25th March. Today is the 25th March. It’s also my birthday.

The funny thing is, when I wrote that little note in my diary, I didn’t know how I was going to be able to quit my job. I’d just bought a house, and taken out a huge mortgage, so I needed the money to pay for the bills.

I didn’t really think my little note was a remotely sensible or possible idea.

All I knew was that I wanted time. Enough time to work on writing a novel.

It wasn’t until the beginning of this year, when I applied for a freelance job, and got it, that I realised that this was my opportunity to buy myself some time.

If I quit my day job now, I will have time, say roughly a year to work on my novel. But if I quit my job a year from now, the freelance job might run out of projects for me to do and I might not get the opportunity of time to finish what I intended to finish.

Writing out my thought process has helped me validate my decision. I’ve actually taken a day off work today, so I won’t be able to quit today. But I could draft a resignation letter and hand it in this week. The thought of doing that makes me so nervous.

By no means am I quitting because I want to relax on the beach or do nothing. That’s a distinction I’ve been trying to be clear with myself about.

It’s a scary decision. I’ve been mulling over it for a while now. So many bad things could happen. The freelance job could run out of projects to do right now. I would’ve just quit a decent job. But on the other hand, good things could happen. So many good things if I promise to put in the time and effort I need to get things done.

I did ask for time. And I have an opportunity. Let’s see what I decide to do this week.

The afterlife

What led me there was a curiosity to know what was on the other side of pain.

I’d been seeking out some kind of solace, reading stories about the afterlife.

It sounded like a wonderful place to be.

Some people say that they feel unconditional love. Others say they see their loved ones waiting to take them home.

These stories really give you hope.

But then on the sadder side, they make you see how insignificant our worries are.

That all you feel is peace. There’s no intensity of happiness or sadness. You’re like energy in space.

I don’t want to be just a mass of energy. I want to be human. I want to live. So much of my humanness comes from having feelings and emotions.

People tell me to meditate. Like Buddha. But I am not a god.

Once when I was very young, I felt at peace. Nothing could make me sad. Not even when a friend moved away forever. Not even when a friend wanted to talk about something. My happiness just being alone in my own world stopped me from connecting with people to the fullest.

I didn’t like it. I realised that I didn’t want to feel nothing. I wanted to feel something! So I asked to have emotions, to care about people.

I appreciate the humanness of my thoughts. Knowing that I can feel a scale of emotions from sadness to anger to happiness. It’s like the scales on a piano. It sounds more beautiful because of the range.

A voice is more beautiful because of its range of octaves.

I admit I’ve been playing on a sombre scale for some time. And need to explore a happier scale. Perhaps a bit of Ode to Joy. Beethoven.

 

Productivity journal

I’ve only done 6 hours 40 minutes of freelance work this week. My aim is to do 10 hours a week. That means 3 hours 20 minutes left to go.

I still have tomorrow, Sunday, but it’s looking like a busy day for me, what with farewell parties to go to and visits to friend’s shops.

It’s 12:48am right now and I’m not a late sleeper so I’m going to have an extremely hard time waking up tomorrow morning.

My plan is to get up before 9:00 so I can fit in a couple hours of work before the social things.

I don’t feel very productive today. I spent most of the day on the couch with a pounding headache, eating Hawaiian pizza for lunch.

I managed to eat nearly a whole pizza by myself!

Somehow around 5:00pm I was able to crawl to my workspace and type out a few articles. Miraculously my headache disappeared!

I’m thinking I really need to add in a health routine to my daily life. And no not the gym. I prefer to look at some greenery while exercising.

Anyway I’m just going on about nothing right now. Soooo sleeeppy.

Goodnight.

How will life work itself out?

Just spent 4 hours working on my freelance work. It’s now 1:22am. I’m feeling extremely tired, my head’s spinning, but it’s so worth it.

Everytime I do a substantial amount of work I go to bed smiling.

Lately, my schedule has been extremely busy. I come home from work at around 6.40pm, then try to spend an hour each night working on my freelance project.

I say try to because some nights I just feel like sitting in front of the couch watching trashy TV.

I know I’ll regret it in the weekend when I have to make up for the time lost. Like right now.

My target is to spend at least 10 hours a week on freelancing. I could do more if I quit my job, and I could earn a lot more too, so I’m weighing up my options.

The past few months have been emotionally draining and this freelance job is the only thing that’s sort of helping me get over someone.

Without it, I would feel so lost. I wouldn’t have this feeling of accomplishment that temporarily eases the pain of loss.

I’m glad I followed my strengths because they’ve helped me climb out of a bad rut I’ve fallen into. Which happens quite a lot!

Remember, you might think dreams are useless, but dark days are the times where our dreams are needed the most.

Goodnight.